'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
