just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
