I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
