I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
