how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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