there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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