Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
