I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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