You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm really busy with my period
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