weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
