i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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