i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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