I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
