Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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