I am puke
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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