Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
