i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
