He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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