T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
