I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
