so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
