I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
