Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
