seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
