The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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