wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
