Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
