I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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