Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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