Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
