I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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