Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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