Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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