one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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