Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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