hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
