1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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