I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
