nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
