he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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