we made out on top of his cat.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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