there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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