So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
