Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
