I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it's like iHOP with fire
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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