I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize