So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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