Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
