just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
