Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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