I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
