I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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