I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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