There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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