You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
