So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
