I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
