I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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