she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
