So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
