Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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